Physicality of Learning

She was perhaps 8, a bright little girl with front teeth missing. We had known each other for about 3–4 weeks. We were friends in a manner that reminded me of the story “A Perfect Day for Bananafish”. Presently, she walked up to me and said, “Anand anna, bend down.” So, I craned above her till my ear was near where I thought she would pronounce a secret. She quickly hugged my head, kissed me on my cheek & declared, “I love you, sweetheart” (in English). While I was surprised by this act, I consciously wore the impression of amusement & tenderness while brushing her head & walking away gently. I needed solitude to arrange this event into a tidy pile in my head. bc60bc06* watched my face before she skipped & ran away to join her friends. She was reassured that I was a safe sandpit where she needn’t fear expressing herself. She wasn’t near puberty but curiosity is not dependent on age. Clearly, she had seen or heard such expressions & wanted to experiment with them. She had tried them on her girl-friends earlier but wanted to see what happens when done to a boy/man. She seemed glad that it wasn’t a big deal. She never repeated it with me (& my hypothesis is that is so because it wasn’t anything interesting & her curiosity was satiated).

I will not claim vast or comprehensive experience or meditation on this matter. All I have is my own personal experience & relationships. I will also not, by means of sharing mine, strive to or condone theories of adult-child physical relationships. I have not been able to find any literature on the role of a healthy physical relationship with children & its role in education. Perhaps it is too costly on one’s reputation to study & publish about this supposedly delicate subject. Thankfully, I have no reputation to uphold. In sharing this article, all I hope to do is provide a space for sensitive educators who resonate with my experience to share or discuss theirs.

I was always a hugger & a very physically demonstrative person. Adolescence & Indian social norms taught me to rein that in. But it was always a suppression & not a rational taming. Children had no such qualms & I secretly resolved to create a safe space for them to respect & honour physicality as well as go about understanding it. What society lacks, is exactly that. Either you are chastised or pushed into excess. Rarely does a society (people + market + media + …) create a space for a child to better understand it.

The first time I was heading to West, my friends called me & warned me to stay away from kids. “Anand, it is not India. They will lock you up for being yourself with the kids.” I never quite understood that till I reached Canada (first) & USA (several times thereafter). In India, people aren’t paranoid about adult men playing with or singing their kids to sleep. I was 10 when my friend’s aunt left her 6 month old daughter with me. I fed her, changed her, put her to sleep for weeks. When I met her after 13 years, her parents re-introduced me as the one who raised her. Our bond was intact. I have weird incidents of unknown couples leaving their kids with me (on a train to Bangalore) or asking me to babysit them. India still hasn’t reached the levels of paranoia as in the West (though many urban parents are finding it fashionable/inevitable to adopt that perspective). For my first week in Canada, I treated kids like the plague. But I felt miserable. To inculcate distrust & paranoia at such a young age was vulgar to me. I decided to risk arrest & engaged in play with any child that crossed my path. Fortunately, after 10 years of traveling, I have never been arrested for making a child laugh & be joyous. The peak of my experience was when a friend (a mother) trusted me enough that she, her daughter & I fell asleep on the same bed (clearly, I was dead tired way before the two of them, but I blame timezones).

With that little peek into my history, I will share my gut-feeling & how my experience validated it.

Children are humans even when learning & a physically affectionate & safe environment facilitates learning.

I did not approach my relationships with the children as another means of making them academically better. I related with them because I deeply loved each one of them. It was this love that kept me tirelessly engaged in creating progressive learning experiences for them. There was no sword above my head that kept me working 12+ hours on their learning (with & without their presence). And in relating to them wholly, responsibly, lovingly, physically, I have seen a marked difference in children’s receptivity to learning.

From day 1 at a school in Auroville (where I volunteered), I noticed that the teachers (all, except one, were women) & students were physically aloof. It might have been a protocol of respect or simply a practiced separation. The children followed that with me as well for the first day. Something about me assured some of the children that I was a safe playground. After a few days, the children would eagerly hold my hand while walking or lean on my leg while I was talking to someone. When they noticed that I didn’t shove them aside or scold them, they got bolder. They would wrap my arm around themselves. I didn’t even have to pay any attention to them. They simply savoured the safe physicality of an adult. I imagined I was a proxy mother or father to them for the period of time they were in that school. Soon, kids would hug or ride my neck or simply sit leaning their back on my arm. aff15a74, who was in 2nd grade/standard, always wanted to hang from my arms & when he was done, he’d simply hug my leg (he barely reached beyond my thigh) & smile. They were experimenting with something very vital to their spirit. They were experiencing something they didn’t have with other teachers. 859e270d, especially, would sit for lengths with my arm wrapped around herself while I would be seriously discussing a lesson with someone. 27ecc7c8, was someone considered unruly & too “tough” (yet, smart & creative). I thought he wouldn’t have any interest in relating thus. But I was wrong. While he was one of the last to join in, once we read a story together with my arm around him, he was a very different boy with me. Less unruly, more mellow & very keen on being hugged & held. I will also discuss about 6c865c0f, a child from a troubled family with whom I had to be careful as I didn’t want her misunderstanding gestures. She was also one of the oldest kids & I was, hence, naturally, cautious. Finally, 37c9afb5 surprised me the most. She was a bold & naughty little girl who would speak her mind & loved playing with my fingers. In short, it was not just girls & their instinctive affection & attention-seeking in a member of the opposite sex but also boys who probably don’t receive such safe & positive affection from their fathers or brothers who responded to this style of relating very positively. Nevertheless, this style is one that must be approached very delicately & extremely cautiously for it as rewarding as it can get uncomfortable (I am going to assume that the teacher is a decent human being who will not ill-treat or take advantage of the child’s trust).

In Ladakh, the children were much older but they seemed to treat physicality in a very simple way. It was practically uncomplicated (even amongst them). I loved the Ladakhis for that. It nearly felt like all their physical contact (amongst them) was devoid of any sexual overtones. That was heaven for me! There too, I watched how creating a safe space for physical affection increases receptivity.

My hypothesis is simple: Coupling engaging teaching with safe physical affection can be far more nourishing to a child’s soul than mere disconnected education.

I am aware that this is a ghastly suggestion to make in some countries (esp. in ones where teachers are forbidden to even pat a child’s head!) but I am glad I do not belong to those countries.

When a child feels safe in the presence of an adult s/he is less likely to be spending energy in tackling mistrust or other non-constructive feelings. When the trust & security are immense, then the receptivity to learning, exploring & sharing views is significantly more. While words of kindness (sans physical contact) might instill a sense of love, we are creatures of touch (else why would we forbid it?) & the bond is strengthened with safe physical affection.

A lot of researched literature exists for the effect of touch on physical & mental development (not to mention, spiritual) but the politically correct views are that these are mostly applicable to infants (I disagree) & are prescribed only for parents to adopt (and I believe teachers are alloparents).

When teachers (as humans) do not wish to invest their energy in building such deep bonds with each child, they seem to prefer the stance of maintaining a distance with all students. I agree that it is a lot of energy to invest in a migratory population (these kids will leave school & perhaps never cross paths again) yet I am unable to not pour all my energy into their well-being. Some teachers are selective & pick the cutest or most “intelligent’ child to shower their affection on them. Either way, I think that it is an opportunity lost to instill a range of values in the child, viz. trust, safety, decency, a rejoicing of being human, love, a respect for one’s space, honouring a “no”, encouraging individuals to be brave to say “no” as well as be clear about a “yes” etc.

One scenario I am wary of is when the child starts “needing” your affection to fill a void or as a crutch. Kids from troubled backgrounds, broken families & similar such spaces are often the ones with such needs. I am usually very cautious around them. 6c865c0f, as mentioned earlier, was one such girl. The fact that she was a girl wasn’t lost to me. She was an introvert. An extremely bright kid whom I liked to keep on her toes with challenges (be it in Maths or photography or creative solutioning). Yet, I sensed that she might be looking for someone to fill the void of her father. Given that I was going to leave at the end of a couple of months, I chose to keep a distance as I didn’t want her translating my departure as a pattern amongst men. Maybe I was imagining it all but I am glad that our bond didn’t feel the need for a safe space of physical affection. Because all the kids of her class were very unrestrained with me, she too felt she should join in but I think she sensed my wanting to maintain a distance & she didn’t venture into bonding in that aspect as well.

Often a child would assume that since I am so affectionate towards him or her, s/he can get away with deviations from agreed-upon protocols, e.g. coming to class on time, having one conversation in the class, etc. Nearly all the children in my 1st stint of volunteering would be thoroughly confused as to how this man who was affectionate a minute ago (mis-translated as lenient to any deviation) is unflinching in class. Some even asked me as to how can I be so serious after having played like a child in the break. I try to help them realise how both coexist. Over time, they learn to respect affection & not treat it as sanction for uncooperative conduct.

Here are some guidelines I follow:

1. It is a space for the child to explore.
2. It is purely a strong foundation to a healthier & more robust perspective of human bonding
3. The child initiates. Always. I can at most reassure him/her of the safety of it, but it is the child who must need it.
4. The singular goal is to create a safe space. It is not a manifestation of my philosophy or beliefs etc.
5. The child must feel safe to withdraw. I have to deal with my disappointment (if any). The child cannot feel threatened or pressed into maintaining the relationship.
6. Respect the physical development of the child. After a particular age, wean the child off excessive physical contact. The exact age varies with each child.
7. It cannot become a crutch, either for me or the child.
8. Make it clear that affection is not sanction for unruly conduct or bias.

* All names are original & unchanged. They have been hashed (one-way) with an arbitrary collision resolution method applied on top.